I think this is probably one of the realest posts I have ever written. The enemy definitely wants me to stop typing NOW, as he taunts me with all the “what if’s”, and “you know people are going to judge you right?” But you know what? It doesn’t matter if this post can set someone free from the bondage of waiting and suffering in silence. As young single women of God it is easy to allow church folk, friends, family, and whomever else cause you to hide from your deep rooted desire to be married. I think the pressure and standards of women in my age range (27) to be married, naturally causes us to rebel and say well it is “not that big of a deal”, “I am on God’s perfect timing”, “My Adam is sleeping”, “I’ll be found one day”, “I am truly content in my singleness”, along with a whole other slew of responses. And while these responses are so true, I can’t help but be honest about my lack of communication with God on the matter. I think I long to be the women who is so wrapped up in Jesus that the man ordained for me has to be so entangled in Him as well, that that is the only way he will find me; that I deny and hide my struggles with my current season of singleness. I think if I talk about being lonely at times, growing frustrated, and sometimes hopeless, God will be disappointed with me or I will let others around me down. Well not anymore! Anything left untouched, buried, and unaddressed will only fester and continue to grow. Today I decided to be honest about my feelings and cry out to God regarding one of my deepest desires, marriage. Keep reading if you want to read my candid conversation with my Father.
“I have been waiting for a godly relationship/marriage for about 6 years. I admit I do not think I was ready all that time ago but that was when I took the vow of celibacy and the leap of faith to put my love life in your hands. I think I have had some beautiful moments on this journey, like growing closer to you, learning more about myself, about men, and life in general. But let’s not forget the rough times though lol, like thinking I found “the one” only to be disillusioned and heartbroken at the discovery of a counterfeit, seeing others around me be engaged, married, and engaging in the work of the Kingdom with their partners… which I so long to do one day. I think now more than ever before it’s just been tough. I long for companionship even though it pains me to say that. I get so stuck in guilt for desiring marriage because I know I should be praying for world affairs, begging you to save souls, my purpose, healing, and so many other things my mind tells me takes precedence over the matters of my heart, but my heartbeat just won’t be quiet any longer. If I can be honest God, sometimes I get angry, I get jealous, and I grow weary. I struggle with thinking “I’m doing all the right things” and I see others who are not even serving you, get what your servant has been asking you for. I know that your timing is perfect but sometimes I feel like we are on two different time zones. I know that somehow there is purpose in the pain but at times I just feel like this season is purposely painful. I know that you hear my cries and you know what’s best for me, after all you ordained my life before the foundations of the earth.
But somehow I can’t shake the thought of my gauge of your love for me being contingent on the gift of marriage. Ludicrous right? But I’m being honest here… and this is my truth. Replace it with your truth. Help me to find that healthy balance of a woman in waiting that is realistic in her desire for marriage but also not allowing the desire to overcome my desire to simply know and serve you. Lord help me to wait well, to get and stay business about the work of your Kingdom, and to sit at your feet every step of the way. Lord I beg you to show me how to navigate this myriad of mixed emotions and to still bring you honor and glory with my life. I know your word tells me to be anxious for nothing and to pray about ALL things, and today I am praying about the one area I often shy away from. Allow my transparency to free me and to cause me to see your love for me does not lie in the love of a man. Please guard my heart and mind. No longer am I going to meet guys or see random handsome men walking pass, and think “could it be him”? Today I lay my desire for marriage down and prayerfully one day you will allow me to pick it back up. Until then it’s just you and me God, and last time I checked that’s a majority. Take my heart in your hands and hold it until I am ready.”
Well there you have it… my honest thoughts out here for all to see lol. The good thing is, God can handle it! If you have similar struggles with your current single season, don’t hide from it. Talk to God about it and ask for help on how to remain content yet expectant on the future. Life is so much more than our marital status and we have to live like it. Until next time, whatever you do, do it for the glory of God!